Turning back the clock nine months, I found myself in the darkest period of my life. I battled with frequent insomnia and withdrew from going to the office as meeting and talking to people became unmanageable for me. My job demands a clear mind to process new knowledge and produce analysis and writing. Yet, during this period, I was continuously incapable of performing my tasks. I uncontrollably gained weight, was easily irritated, and was often in a bad mood. I was constantly fighting with my partner; we would stop fighting, cry together, and make up, only to find ourselves in another fight a few days after. I felt like I had completely lost control over my mind and body. I searched for an explanation but could not find the right vocabulary to describe these thoughts, feelings, or the overall state of my mind. It was a strange time of my life.
‘Overarousal’. That is the word which I now recognize and can somehow use to describe my state of being nine months ago. This state felt like the inner CPU of my head was overloaded. One day, it eventually crashed, taking with it all it could, including my then-relationship.
Anyone who has gone through a break-up would know how horrible it feels. It is agonizing. Along with the pain, I was terribly clueless about why I ended up in that state and why our relationship came to such a harsh and abrupt end despite everything we had had together. I wondered what the causality between the over-aroused state and the breakup was and whether there were other factors influencing both.
These endings marked the start of a new period in my life, one where I turn inwards and take time to discover what has made me who I am. I explored different resources to trace the roots of the “bugs” that led to the crashing of my inner CPU. I began counseling and reading psychological books about personal and relational dynamics. In my attempt to decode some of my deeply rooted (negative) beliefs, the following is the formula upon which I have discovered that my brain has been operating.
Inner CPU’s input formula for self-worth:
Self-worth = Condition 1 + Condition 2 + A myriad of other unobserved conditions
Condition 1: Being decently perfect (or being perfectly decent?)
I was raised as a traditional girl, and I must admit that I often took pride in being one. In my culture, women are taught to develop themselves according to a classical “decent feminine” prototype. This prototype includes four ultimate core values: Good Conduct – Good Appearance – Eloquent Communication – Kindness. These are not necessarily bad values, but I find myself having applied them incorrectly and used them against me. As such, I have continuously fed my inner CPU with false codes for each core value:
“Good conduct? No. I don’t even know how to cook a proper meal, I won’t ever be able to take care of my family;”
“Good appearance? No. I’m not pretty, I’m not like those girls;”
“Eloquent communication? No, definitely not. I’m so shy and awkward, my communication sucks;”
“Kindness? Well, yeah… This one I can take; I am kind.”
With these codes, what was eventually programmed in my CPU is that Condition 1 could only be partially fulfilled if my evaluator (the world) perceived me as kind. Being decent, definitely not.
Condition 2: Being approved (by a man)
Another common expectation in my culture is that women should position themselves as inferior to men. There is an old saying, “A woman should obey her father before getting married, then obey her husband when married, and obey her son after her husband dies.” Truth be told, I consider myself culturally rebellious for not positioning myself this way. I value equality and fairness between my partner and me. Despite this, I might have unconsciously internalized part of this condition. A little sneaky voice inside of me was usually hesitant to say no to what my partner wanted but I didn’t want. My inner CPU listened to this voice and operated accordingly, aiming for approval instead of protecting my own boundaries.
The problem with this formula is that it placed my self-worth in the hands of my partner; it would attempt to please my partner by silencing my actual wishes in times of conflict. Paradoxically, this dragged me down from the equal position I aim for in a relationship, eroding my self-esteem and leading to relentless self-doubt. And that was how these conditions led to the state of overarousal, the inner conflict between what I truly wanted and how I acted out in the relationship. This state would gradually result in self-sabotage in intimate relationships when the inner CPU froze and could only reoperate after a full shutdown.
Now, looking back, realizing how long I have operated on this formula and knowing how self-defeating it is, I just want to give myself a warm embrace and say, “Hey girl, you have done a great job. You are enough. You are loved.” This realization is only the first step towards my self-awareness and self-love, and I have come to enjoy the journey.
I have always believed that I can land a good job if I learn and possess certain skills. I guess the same mindset applies to good relationships, even if that is a relationship with self. Perhaps my inner CPU will operate more smoothly as I decode more existing negative conditions and code in more self-supporting ones. I am learning to accept myself the way I am, appreciate my values, and understand the extent to which my boundaries can stretch. I am learning to talk to myself more compassionately and to become my biggest cheerleader. Good relationships start from within me.